🌊🔱⚓️ — D*ick in a Box. (Part I)

Two friends in a regimented college, a ball of clay, boredom, and a museum full of nautical history. Could there be a more perfect scenario for an immature prank?

Date: Circa Fall 2000//

Time: 0900 EST/ 1400 GMT//

Location: Fort Schuyler, lower level classroom/ SUNY Maritime /Bronx, New York////

Subject: We shouldn’t have graduated from college for this…

This is a story that I have been yearning to confess for several years now. So, without further adieu…

Classes, as in all forms of academia, can be boring. We were required to attend several navigational labs since we had checked the “Mate” box and we would be further navigators on merchant ships. This particular class on this now infamous day, was not boring, quite the contrary, the material was interesting. Celestial Navigation, or navigation by the stars which entails learning about spherical trigonometry, would have been very stimulating and captivating on any other day, but not this particular day. My long time confidant Richard and I were not feeling this class at all…nor any class during the day for that matter (not entirely sure though it; may have been a result of the previous day’s happy hour). This Celestial Navigation Lab was 2 hours long and we had it twice a week, Tuesdays and Thursdays. Today was a Tuesday. We sat in a very cold brick room on very archaic draft table stools in classroom A4 on the first level of Fort Schuyler where a majority of the Bachelor of Science classes and navigational classes were held. Start the clock now…

This is SUNY Maritime where I held tenure from 1998–2002. It is nestled in The Bronx, NY, beneath the Throgg’s Neck Bridge. These were great years were I made friends I still remain in contact with today. The campus was used to film several scenes in the movie, “The Departed.”

I was nearly nodding off into a dream space within minutes of the class starting when Richard, who sat directly in front of me, passed me half of a wad of fun tack (much like Silly Putty for those not savvy) and solidified the words for the reason this diatribe is being documented, “You sculpt the shaft and I’ll sculpt the balls.” For the next hour and a half (3/4 of the lab for those keeping track) we poured our heart and soul into….well, let’s say this, if Michelangelo needed to commission a new penis for his “David” statue, he need not have looked any further, although ours was, well bigger of course. It was magnificent.

As synchronicity would have it, Richard finished his balls just as I was finishing the final touches on my now phallic fun tack wad. I really wish I had a picture to share but I think you have painted a pretty vivid picture of what this member looked like (besides, we didn’t have the technology of smartphones back in 2000…which sounds pretty damn funny as I am writing this).

This is the Fort. Classroom A4. The basis of this story was on the first story just to the right of the apex of the Fort just beyond that first large tree to the right of the walkway…what we called “The First Class walk.” Only Seniors were allowed to take this “shortcut” to class. Everyone else had to walk around the inner perimeter.

Coincidentally, a scene from Martin Scorceses’ film, “The Departed” was shot in the very same classroom years later. Whether or not our antics in this classroom had anything to do with the film is still undetermined. The building on the top right on the roof of the Fort is relevant for later on in the story.

So this Fort pictured above is a classroom facility and a Maritime museum for both the history of SUNY Maritime and the Merchant Marine alike. After proudly assembling our manly unit, Richard commented to me that he was going to the bathroom and for me to leave class and meet him in the passageway (hall) in about five minutes after he left. It was time to find this fun tack a new home.

Wandering the halls of the museum never seemed so cavernous as when you are trying to inconspicuously (or conspicuously) display a phallic masterpiece within it. Holding our artistry up to paintings of several ships didn’t seem a suitable home, nor did the arched entrance way for the fort (normally referred to as the “Sallyport”) where we were hoping it would impersonate a cannon (it was a fort after all). We tried to mount it on an appropriate region of the life sized painting of a previous Admiral, we thought this was perfect. We stepped back to admire our placement and we decided it was to obvious and that the penis would be shortly discovered and dismantled before its time. The search continued…..

We must have looked for a good 15 minutes up and down the fort passageways for an appropriate dwelling but nothing we found would allow this penis to become a longtime member of the Fort. Until we found the 1929 comparative display case (which happened to be directly outside the classroom where we needed to get back to was). This had to be quick and stealthy work. Richard and I both manned a side of the case and he angled it out from the wall while I anchored the other side down. We slid open the back door (this case about waist high and very similar to one you would find in a jewelry store…maybe it was donated by a jewelry store, I don’t know…I digress) and Richard did the honors on placing it on a 8.5" x 11" face-shot of one of the members of the Class of 1929, closed the door and slide the case back against the bulkhead (nautical for wall) of the museum. Operation Phallic Display, mission accomplished. We stood back to admire our work and momentarily basked in the glory. We returned to class with enough time to gather our navigational tools, books and notepads before the bell rung…..RIIIIIIING. Class dismissed.

Part 2 and 3 of the D*ck In a Box Saga coming later this week. You’ve been Flogged enough.